It started about two years ago. No…more like about six years ago…but, I think I became a little more aware of it two years ago. Either way, it’s only been within the past two weeks that I’ve really realized what’s happening.
Like a run-down house in the initial stages of being flipped, my foundational beliefs are being gutted. I’ve made it 37+ years with a corrupt belief system in place, and it’s no longer working.
I’ve had glimpses of grace…enough that I’ve got a good head knowledge; enough to talk and write about it; enough to want more. I’ve even had the beginnings of a transformational experience. But what I’ve realized is this: even though I’ve thought myself to be living in grace, I’ve measured my every action by a subconscious list of rights and wrongs. I live life on a tightrope. And I’ve come to hate that I can’t live a relaxed life.
God keeps making me fully aware that He is more concerned with my heart than with my actions. For someone who’s lived her entire life trying to do “the right thing,” well…that is ripping the foundations right our from under me and the core from inside of me.
I keep envisioning God with a scalpel, gently removing the rotten core, little by little…tyring to spare me the pain of ripping it all out at once. Nonetheless, the removal is painful and frightening. I’ve no firm footing of my own anymore. And I don’t know who to trust anymore. {I certainly don’t trust those who’ve influenced my beliefs in the past; but I don’t yet fully trust those I’ve been warned against for years.} In fact, I’ve considered abandoning all Bible studies and books for a while…just to see what life is like when I allow only Holy Spirit to guide me. It may sound ridiculous to you, but it’s totally frightening to me…someone who is always searching to do “the right thing,” to believe “the right thing.”
What I do know for sure is that when I begged God two years ago to truly show me what grace is, I didn’t expect this long, painful journey. I thought grace was supposed to be easy. I thought grace would be appealing to other Christians. Let me assure you: I was dead wrong!
But with a faint hope and a wavering trust, I somehow believe Grace will eventually have His way with me, transforming me so deeply that the tightrope balancing between right and wrong will be only a blur in my rear-view mirror.
