I’ve read and heard quite a bit about Beyoncé’s “Lemonade,” but I have yet to watch it. Honestly, I’m not a huge Beyoncé fan, so there’s that. (I know, I know…shame on me.) However, what I’ve seen and heard about it has been interesting, and I’ve thought more than a few times that I could probably relate to the overall theme in several ways. Still, I haven’t watched it.
Last night, though, someone on Twitter shared lyrics from “Denial” that sucker-punched me in the gut:
I tried to change
Closed my mouth more
Tried to be softer, prettier
Less awake
I know what it is to change yourself in order to try to win love. I know how it feels to quit expressing yourself because others think you’re too much or too sensitive or too demanding or too whatever. I know what it means to stuff down the raw truth of who you are in order to be more acceptable, more palatable to those who otherwise find you appalling. I know exactly how it feels to give up your daydreams and numb yourself to the world around you so that others can be more comfortable.
You know what I’ve found? It does no good.
Recently, I started to walk on eggshells and tip-toe through my words because I didn’t want to be too much again. I started to guard myself. I even considered going the passive-aggressive route. Then I remembered all the conversations with my therapist. That’s when I thought, I’m going to use my words to express exactly what I feel.
And you know what? It felt good and right, and I was glad I said what I needed to say.
Here’s the thing: if you have to change—to be less awake, to be less than who you are—in order to accommodate others, you’ll never win their approval. There will always be something wrong with who you are. There will always be something else you need to change about yourself. And, eventually, you’ll realize you’ve changed so much that you have nothing left to lose.
So, you might as well be you … whatever that means. Be too much. Be gritty and raw. Show off your tattoos. Express your opinions if you want to. Keep daydreaming. Sing loud. Dance like nobody’s watching … or like everybody’s watching, if that’s your thing. Keep making the art nobody understands.
Say what needs to be said
Wear your heart on your sleeve
Take too many risks
Embrace joy and grief
~RG
I think I’ll go watch “Lemonade”…
