My counselor and I were discussing how I tend to exist in a fight-or-flight state, as well as how I bottle emotions until I erupt. She was explaining how it’s important for me to recognize my emotions and manage them lest they negatively manage me. She stepped over to her bookcase and pulled a workbook off the shelf. She proceeded to tell me she thought it would be a good idea for me to work through the book, reading the material and answering the questions. Instead of focusing on what she was saying, though, I was fighting through the internal tension that manifested as soon as she pulled the book from its shelf.
Upon first glance, the workbook resembled dozens of Bible studies I’d done through the years. A simple, paperback 8 1/2 x 11 book with blank spaces on the inside for answering questions made my stomach tighten with knots. All I could concentrate on was the dread I was feeling and wondering if the book was going to cause me to feel the shame I’ve been working so diligently to overcome. I feared not having the right answers or what might happen if I questioned the material.
When she finished talking, I told her how I was responding to the sight of the book. She proceeded to read parts of the Table of Contents and Vocabulary section aloud to assure me there was nothing religious in the book. It was simply a tool to help me name, claim and manage my emotions. I agreed I would purchase the book and do the work.
Hours later, all I could think about when I considered going to the store to buy the workbook was the names of authors whose biblical studies reduced me to feeling like a worthless piece of shit. I thought about the groups of women I sat among who turned on me when I began questioning what I’d always believed. I thought about all the loss and heartache I’ve dealt with since leaving church two years ago.
I finally took the plunge and purchased the workbook. It took a few days, but I eventually started reading and answering questions.
It’s been several weeks, and I’m only working on chapter five. I struggled through the first four chapters and experienced quite a bit of anxiety as I realized how much of a negative impact religion had on how I viewed emotions. In fact, I finally recognized that religion taught me to judge my emotions instead of teaching me to validate and manage them.
Later, as I was discussing my findings with my counselor, she mentioned that my reaction to the workbook had been much like that of someone with PTSD.
Is there such a thing as Bible Study PTSD? I don’t know. But I have heard of Religious Trauma Syndrome and Post-Traumatic Church Syndrome, both of which I can relate to in almost every way.
What does this ultimately mean?
It means that I made the correct decision in stepping away from church, in taking a break. It means that the fundamentalist religious background I experienced as a child took deep root within me, and deeply-rooted beliefs take quite a while to unearth and sort through. It means that attempts to shame, manipulate, or otherwise convince me back into a belief system or church attendance no longer hold the power they once did. It means the work I am doing is healing work and that the anxiety will eventually subside. And it means I will slowly, but surely find my way off the fence and out of the lukewarm spew.
Good for you! Just a question on “lukewarm spew.” We were all taught that being lukewarm is a terrible thing. But sometimes that reflects the uncertainty that we feel. In fundamentalism there is no space for uncertainty. Outside that belief system there is a whole world full of things that are uncertain. Managing that tension is really very hard which is why I believe fundamentalist have such certain answers. I am proudly uncertain of so many things. It is a total reframing of the “lukewarm” concept.
Hi, Melinda. Ah, yes, I suppose I view the uncertainty as a problem…mainly because I am so uncertain about almost everything these days. I live in a constant state of “I don’t know. How can I possibly know?” That’s a scary place to be after a lifetime of being so certain about everything, of believing EVERYthing was black/white, right/wrong. Thanks for reading and for offering me another way to view being “lukewarm.”
Yes. I’ve had the exact same thing. In therapy at present for PTSD and my fundamentalist upbringing is a constant theme. I feel like I could have written this post myself. Hang in there. It gets better. I’m 3 1/2 years away from religion and I’m feeling like I can have a normal life. ((hugs))
Hi, Willow. Thanks for reading and commenting. My religious upbringing seems to be at the root of everything I discuss in therapy. It certainly seems to be a long unearthing process. Thanks for the encouragement!
I can relate to your story. Being in a place of “I don’t know” can eventually be a very good place to be. Stay sincere and truthful to yourself and you will find what you need. Giving up dogma and faith in faith is frightening at first. Eventually you end up proving to yourself that this has nothing to do with giving up being a good person. A person you feel good about being. I still have a great deal of respect for the bible as a source of inspiration towards wisdom. I say this to quote something I still feel works for our situation. “When I was a child I thought and reasoned as a child. When I grew to be a man I put away childish things … “. Well, you know this one. I may no longer hold that the bible is the unquestioned word of God but there may be much that is still wise to consider. I wish you the very best on your journey.
Thank you, Mike. I want to get to the place where I am “a person (I) feel good about being.” All I’ve known my whole life is shame. I don’t know what it’s like to truly feel good about who I am. That’s the journey I’m walking through in counseling.
Maybe one day I’ll get back to the point where I can read the Bible again. For now, I’ve had to stop reading because the questions/inconsistencies became too overwhelming.
Thanks for reading and for the encouraging comments.
I’m finally getting to a place of understanding what freedom really is, and how my past beliefs distorted my views. Where we are now, the people that we have met, they have issues too. And they are transparent and open and willing to share their struggles, not sweep them under the rug for fear of shame. If it weren’t for the people we’ve met where we currently attend, I don’t know that we would have survived. I don’t know if we would be able to make the bold move we are about to make. I completely get the PTSD. I still deal with it to an extent. I guess I always will. I’ve just learned that the standard isn’t the “unspoken rule book” I operated from for most of my life. Religion does no one any favors. You have to be able to be real and open about the struggle. You have to feel safe doing that. It is indeed a process to “undo”‘what has “undone” me for so long.
So far, the only safe place I’ve found is in a private FB group. I’ve quit writing as much as I used to or talking openly about my doubts and lack of faith because I’ve realized it’s not safe to do so. I hope I can find a real-life community one day, but for now, I feel pretty isolated (partly from my own doing). I’m glad you’ve found that safe place!
Thank you for your courage to speak out. I want to say keep writing, but I know how
fundamentalists think and respond and it is not in kind, and not what you need to hear.
I left church- God, faith, religion, all of it-in 2005 and my whole world shattered. Who was I without God? Without a god? Who were humans? What was the point?
There is so much freedom from pain, self deprication, manipulation, sexism, prejudice, bigotry, and I have never felt more
at peace than I do today. It’s a long, hard journey, but it is so worth it. Hang in there. You will see love and light you never knew existed by your own existence in a beautiful universe.
Jenn, I appreciate your encouragement. I can so relate to those questions. Freedom from shame is my ultimate goal. Thanks for reading and commenting.
I have been in your shoes. I also am seeing a therapist. I found that almost all of my problems in my adult life stemmed from my religious (cult) upbringing as a child. I am still having some struggles. It does feel like PTSD. I will probably struggle with some of it the rest of my life.
May I ask what the name of the workbook was that you’re therapist had you get. I think I might be interested in doing something like that. Writing seems to help with getting things out for me. My therapist might really like this too.
I hope you are able to find your peace. Its never completing gone but we can learn to live with it. Thank you for sharing your story.
Rachel, the name of the workbook is “Don’t Let Your Emotions Run Your Life: How Dialectical Behavior Therapy Can Put You in Control” by Scott Spradlin. I hope you find it as helpful as I do. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Hi, found your site by accident via a friend’s FB post. I too come from a fundamentalist upbringing, where I was beaten on occasion if I inadvertently triggered my father’s own rigid religious issues. I felt I should suggest to you, that ‘I don’t know’ is the best, truest and most sane place to be. …. I don’t have the first clue what the ‘truth’ is, and that’s perfect. How can we humans possibly presume to know an actual and absolute truth? Maybe when we die things will be clearer, but only maybe. Not knowing has given me incredible freedom. I believe there is a divine, but I don’t believe any individual or group has any clue of the ‘Truth’. It is too big and we are too small ( and no, a book that humans have edited and tweaked and generally messed with over the centuries does not qualify). What I do believe in the broadest possible way is that this ‘Divine’ is loving. Period. and the same can not be said for the god portrayed by fundamentalist Christianity (or any other similar religious group) I personally believe that anyone who claims to know ‘The Truth’ is generally furthest from it as they have shut their minds. I feel a million times more secure, accepted, loved and worthy in my ‘clueless’ relationship with the divine that I ever did in any church in my past. So, my advice to you would be to get comfy and cozy with the confusion, open up and get curious and read and investigate all the perspectives on how the Divine is loving, but don’t buy into or commit to any one, because there is probably a different little bit of ‘Truth’ in each one. Be open to it all xxx
Hey can so relate, really love this and to know there is someone else there who has sought counselling after leaving church, that’s brave. I’m currently doing the same, been a year almost since that day I left religion and it has been a hard journey at times. I really love that first comment about being taught a negative reaction to any form of ‘lukewarm’ this has just blown my mind and definitely me! I sought to be black and white about so much and now am having to unlearn that. Thanks again!
How sad that you felt so alone but you are speaking of religion. Salvation from a loving god is totally different. I think we all have seen and experienced the hard hand of fundamentalism that has taken things to far. Making everything seem like it is a sin if you didn’t agree with them. The gentleman who used the verse “when I was a child I thought and reasoned like a child. When I grew to be a man (or woman) I put away childish things…That is the key. Not giving up on your faith. Just ridding yourself from a church that is to judgmental. There are many churches out there that realize that is the wrong approach to parishioners or attendees. Reason from the Word that God is a loving God who doesn’t sit on a throne shooting lightening bolts from his throne. He loves you. Anyone or any church who makes judgements like they are the Almighty needs to remember that the church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints. We are all sinners whom God loves dearly. I pray that you find peace and also pray that that peace come from the Lord. No judgment here. God Bless
Thank you for your encouraging comments, Debbie!