Is it possible for a heart to be full and to be breaking at the same time? It has to be because that’s the only way I can describe mine right now.
I’ve mentioned several times that my One Word for 2013 is change. So much has changed. So much is still changing.
My heart is full tonight because there are changes taking place that have been a long time coming. While I can’t see the end results of these changes, for the first time in a long time, I have hope. Hope for cycles to be broken. Hope for restoration. Hope for the future. There’s a glimmer of light in the long shadows of darkness.
On the other hand, my heart is breaking too because of changes. Changes that seem to include loss…of relationships, of dreams, of hope. Changes with which I’ve yet to come to terms. Changes that send tears streaming down my face even as I write about them.
I’ve been sensing changes within myself for several months, including healing from years of wounds…some from outside sources, and some self-inflicted. I’ve sensed God working in areas where I’d long kept Him at a distance.
I feel as though I’m on the edge of a cliff again, but this time I’ll be flying instead of falling. I’m not sure which is scarier. Sure, falling is frightening and hurts like hell. But I’ve been there…and I know what it feels like. I have no idea what it feels like to fly. The future looms large and uncertain. And it’s looking nothing like I’d planned or even wanted.
Somehow, my heart is certain that God is working all these things together for my good. That’s easy to admit when I’m considering all the changes that appear hopeful. But it’s difficult to admit when I’m considering the changes that are breaking my heart. I’ll be quick to admit that I want everything my way, and even pray that my desires and His might have common ground…because despite all the changes and uncertainty, I know this one thing: He loves me and knows the desires of my heart.
I wonder how a heart can handle such hope and such sorrow at the same time. The only answer that settles my heart between the two extremes is trust. Trust that God knows what He is doing. Trust that when He whispered change to my heart eight months ago that He had the future in His hands.
Great post Rebekah! Thanks for sharing from experiences!
Thank you, Joel.
I am *SO* right there with you. This is exactly where I have been, too, wavering between knowing there is something better and mourning the loss of something I had to give up to get to the better that lies ahead. Knowing there is still change that needs to happen inside of me in order to break my old cycles of behavior and patterns of thought before I can get to where I can receive the best God has for me, and not just settle for “good enough” anymore. Thanks for helping me see that I’m not the only one struggling with the uncomfortable “in between” times.
Nancy, thank YOU for sharing. It always helps to know we’re not alone in difficult times. And change is most certainly difficult!
Wonderful post…you always know the things to say that touch my heart and hit so close to home for me.
Thank you, Linda. I’m glad you find community here.
My prayer for you: move slow. Listen intensely. be wiling to learn. be still and quiet. be restful and trusting. It will be worth it as you wait for the ‘new change’ to take place. Think of it as labor, delivering something beautiful. But with each contraction you can lean into the pain or fight it. We all know which choice is easier.
Sharon, you always know just what to say. Honestly, I want to fight with everything in me right now. I keep trying to remember to accept things as they are and allow God to do whatever it is He’s doing. Thank you for your prayer!
Really great post! Thanks for sharing.