Old habits die hard.
So do the negative thoughts that plague me…the cycle of shame. Once the thoughts start, they’re like a roller coaster in downhill motion. There’s no stopping them.
I shame myself for simple accidents and unintended mistakes. It’s a cruel world in my head when I forget to give myself grace to be…well, human!
I had a solo in the church Christmas presentation this weekend. During the third service, I grabbed the microphone and perched on my stool. When I started singing, the mic didn’t pick up my voice. I kept singing, trying to project far and wide, waiting for my voice to suddenly appear in the speakers, all the while wondering what was wrong. Between the first and second verses, there was a quick, smooth mic swap, and the song went on without issue.
When the song was over, the music minister and I had to switch the microphones back. As we did, he whispered something about me having Stephanie’s mic.
Oh, the dread.
I had picked up the wrong mic. I didn’t even look at the mic I picked up to see if it had my name on it. I just grabbed the one that was in the same location where I’d left mine in the prior service.
As I returned to my seat in the choir, I was already mentally shaking my head and shaming myself. I spent the next 45 minutes singing about Jesus and smiling while words like stupid and idiot rolled around in my head. I tried over and over to get control of the thoughts. I reminded myself that God doesn’t expect perfection from me. I kept thinking that I needed to give myself some grace. But the negative thoughts were overwhelmingly powerful.
Y’all, the Enemy will use anything to try to stop or hinder us from sharing Jesus. While the words were coming out on a melody from my lips, I didn’t much believe what I was singing in those minutes. Wait…let me clarify: I believed them in my head, but not in my heart. I was struggling to believe that God’s grace was for me in those moments. I was finding it hard to believe that He uses screw-ups like me.
Once again, Redemption and Grace stepped in on my behalf, and showed me that He can and will use anybody in any situation. He is no respector of persons or circumstances. In fact, I’m starting to think He kind of likes working through what we qualify as mistakes, accidents or messy situations. I hope I’m quick to recognize that the next time I screw up…which will probably be within the hour.
