In my recent quest to destroy the box in which I wanted God to fit, I discovered T.D. Jakes. Of course, I’d heard of him, but never listened to him. When I finally did, I couldn’t get enough of they way He described God and His relationship with His children.

Yesterday, I watched a clip of one of Jakes’s messages titled Growing Up Into God’s Favor. The topic centered around growing out of needing others’ approval, reaching a breakthrough and receiving God’s blessings.

Now I feel like I’ve been on the precipice of a breakthrough for a long, long, long time. People who know my story and are spiritually discerning have even commented to me on numerous occasions that God has me on the fast track to healing and blessing. Just so you know: those are not my words! And I find them hard to believe since this “fast track” seems to be taking an eternity!

Anyway, as I listened to the message, I nodded my head in agreement, and my spirit rose with hope. And then he said something that wouldn’t leave me alone {and I’m paraphrasing}: God is stepping over some people to bless you. I’m pretty sure it was supposed to be a positive, encouraging statement.

But here’s what stuck with me: what if I’m one of the people He’s stepping over? Quite frankly, that seems more believable. Here’s why: God keeps using my shit to bless others. I suppose I could find a positive in that, and get all spiritual and say that I get a blessing from the way He uses me. And, ultimately, that’s true.

But…

Sometimes it’s just no fun to sit back and watch how God uses my ashes to give beauty to someone else.

Perhaps it’s a matter of perspective as some have suggested to me. Am I surrendered to being a willing vessel? If so, surely there is a blessing in that.

But what about the promise He made me so long ago? The one that He seems to keep fulfilling for others while I wait? What if I’m the one He’s stepping over?

I think about Sarah and how badly she wanted to see God’s promise of a child fulfilled. She sent Abraham into Hagar, hoping to help the situation along. That wasn’t God’s plan, but He blessed Hagar while Sarah had to wait. Ultimately, God fulfilled His promise to Abraham and Sarah, but not before Sarah had to sit back and watch her ashes give beauty to Hagar.

Like Sarah, I impatiently wait. I doubt. I’m convinced I have to help Him along.

But there’s this too: there are times when He’s passing over me that I reach out and cling to Him. If He’s not going to stop to fulfill His promise of blessing for me, I’m going with Him. There’s certainly joy to be found in the journey. As I cling, I beg Him to take note of me, just as He did with Sarah.