It’s been about six weeks since I stepped foot in church. I have mixed emotions about it. On one hand, the rest has been good for me, especially considering how busy my family has been throughout the last few weeks. On the other hand, I feel a little lost on Sundays and Wednesdays, mainly because I’m not doing what I’ve always done on those days.

Since leaving church, I’ve come to the following realization: although I was a regularly-attending church member, I was an ineffective Christian. I’ve been in the Biblical bubble for so long that I don’t really even know how to function outside of it.

I was part of the choir and worship team…a huge time commitment. I was in a Sunday School class. I used to attend Bible studies and teach children’s choir. All of those commitments made me feel busy and effective. They made me feel like I was doing something great for God. Granted, there’s nothing wrong with any of those commitments…except that they numbed me to anything beyond the church doors.

It was easy to go to church, then not think twice about the needs of the waiter serving me Sunday lunch at the restaurant. It was easy to stand in front of a huge crowd of like-minded people and sing about Jesus, but much more difficult to do in an environment where there are only a few people, and I don’t know whether or not they care about Him. It was easy to be kind to people I barely knew at church, then zone out with my own family. It was easy to be vulnerable in Bible study groups, then put the walls back up the second I walked out the church door.

Now that I’m on a church break, I’m wondering exactly how to live out the Christian life. I didn’t have to be intentional when I was in church; I just did what was expected. But the love Jesus call us to is intentional, and requires me to get out of my comfort zone. It means living everyday life with an awareness of the people with whom I come into contact. It means being the hands and feet of Jesus, and it was easy to delude myself into thinking that I was being exactly that inside the church walls. I now realize how little I cared once outside the church doors.

Now that I’m not focused on selecting the approved clothing to wear to church, or worried about knowing the correct notes for a song, or worried about whether or not what I write will be met with disapproval, I see those things for what they were: man-made distractions that kept me from the true worship of loving God and loving others.

I’m in the process of learning what it means to live an effective Christian life outside the doors of the church building. I’m learning about intimate worship. Most of all, I’m slowly, but surely finding out what it means to love people intentionally and love them well…no church-y strings attached.