It’s 2:30 a.m., and I’ve spent the last two hours tossing and turning in my bed, trying to define the past three days.

Sunday night I wrote this post about God and punishment. Monday morning I struggled through editing, and almost didn’t publish. I was having a difficult time believing the words I’d written. I re-read the post several times throughout the day, and doubted God’s goodness each time.

I awakened Tuesday morning with my head full of excuses as to why I should abandon every dream and desire God has placed within me:

• I can’t write and keep my house as clean as I want it.
• I don’t spend as much time with my kids as I’d like.
• The financial cost is too great.

By mid-morning, I was determined to quit writing and singing. Tuesday morning’s excuses gave way to Wednesday’s questioning and wrestling. Why did God give me a passion to write about Him in a way that people sometimes find controversial? Why couldn’t He have given me a passion to write about fashion or food? Have I made music and writing my idols? I’m quite certain I drove my husband to the brink of crazy with my excuses and questions.

Wednesday night, just before going to bed, I laid it all down…the music, the writing, the dreams. I told God to do whatever He wanted to with them…as in, I don’t want them anymore; they’re yours. It was then that the first wave of peace washed over me. But it wasn’t over yet.

Thursday morning, I spent some time on the phone with a couple of people I trust. I needed to come to the conclusion {and verbalize it} that the big picture surrounding my dreams, desires and passions is grace. I needed to realize the thread that has to run through everything I do is grace. I needed to understand that God’s big picture is different than what I anticipated.

I’m to embrace and expose scandalous grace that encompasses shades of gray; that works in ways that ridicule Sunday School answers; that won’t fit in a neat, little box; that defies logic and reasoning; that crushes the weight of religion; that looks you in the eye and whispers You are forgiven before you even repent.

I’ve spent nearly two years experiencing this grace. I asked God for it, wanting the freedom I knew would come with it. But in many ways, it’s been a difficult and trying time. This grace divides Christians. There have been times when, like Moses, I asked God, Does this look like rescue to you?

I spent the past three days on holy ground…only I was slow to take off my shoes. I gave my excuses and asked my questions. And God gave answers.

I walk away from those three days trembling. I know the task, and God has assured me of His presence…still I fear I’ll get in the way. There’s no bravery here; just the realization that I can’t ignore or run from who He made me to be and what He’s given me to do. Still, even as I click the Publish button today, my fear outweighs my faith…