I made a discovery tonight. For perhaps the first time in my life —without religion, without performance, without trying to please God—I am genuinely happy. There are no behavior modification plans, no boxes to check. I’m living in the space of good enough; oddly enough, that is providing me much relief and happiness. For once, I am working hard at being who I am because that’s who I want to be instead of working hard at who I think I should be or at who a Christian author tells me I should be. I’m becoming comfortable with my gifts and talents and am dedicating time to develop them through crafting words and music. Maybe I’ve realized my true potential. It’s liberating.
I told someone the other day that I don’t know what my niche is. Maybe that’s not entirely true. I don’t know what my niche is now. For over thirty years, it was religion, assuming religion can be a niche. Religious music, religious books, religious friends, religious writing, religious religion. Perhaps now my niche lies somewhere between the processes of overcoming religion and discovering freedom.
These are the days of discovery for me: discovering I was wrong (which, by the way, is the theme of a song I recently wrote), discovering independence, discovering that good enough is good enough. The religion in which I was immersed didn’t allow for discovery. Living inside the religious box and being too fearful to step outside it was oppressive and depressing. I’m finding that joy is a by-product of discovery, courage, hard work, and freedom to make mistakes. To put my current situation in (ironically) religious terms, I feel as though I’ve been born again or am experiencing a second chance. Is that grace? Maybe. I’d like to think so.
