I think my love for legalism kicked in at a very young age. I have very few memories of myself playing with abandon, without fear of consequences.

I grew up with a strong harsh sense of right and wrong. I was a black-or-white, either/or kind of girl. I saw no middle ground…for myself or for anyone else.

When I occasionally decided to break the rules and indulge in the dark side, I had fun. But my conscience would never let me stay there for long, and guilt would settle in for the long haul.

Worse, when I accidentally broke rules out of ignorance, I’d relentlessly shame myself for being so stupid.

I spent most of my life anxiously calculating my words and actions, weighing outcomes and consequences. {So exhausting!}

At age thirty, I abandoned my sense of right and wrong, and spent five months in the abyss of darkness. Once again, my conscience yanked me back, and for a while, I tipped the scales of measuring right and wrong.

But a few years ago, I began to learn that between the human world of black and white is a beautiful shade of gray called Grace. It’s the place where Mercy and Redemption step in and color everything red…in Love.

I’m learning that rest exists in gray…in Grace, for I am unable to live in the sinless white, nor do I want to live in the sinful black. In rest, I realize His Love has cleansed me of my failures, making me spotless. He redeems my gray matter.

I’m slowly trading rules for rest; legalism for Love; calculation for cleansing; anxiety for abandon; guilt for Grace.

Linking with Emily for Imperfect Prose, celebrating redemption.