I made a quick run down to my husband’s shop {just a couple miles down the road} to pick up the extra Christmas lights he’d bought for me. During the less-than-five-minute drive, I thought about how my husband had needed a shop for so long, and was proud that he finally found one last year. Just as quickly as that thought passed, it was followed by another: I wonder how long he’ll keep the shop.
What is odd about that thought is that my husband has no intentions of moving from his shop, nor has he said anything similar. My thought was no reflection on him because he is a stick-to-it, committed kind of man. My thought said more about me.
I tend to think of everything as temporary.
We’ve lived in the city of Alabaster for nearly twelve years; yet, I still don’t think of it as home. In fact, I don’t think of anywhere as home. I still find myself wondering when we’ll move, even though we have no plans of ever moving.
I often wonder when my friendships will come to a screeching halt, which is weird because I have some awesome friends who know the worst about me and still love me.
I sometimes even find myself wondering when tragedy will strike and change life as I know it.
I’m not sure where these thoughts of the temporary come from. I’m not sure if it’s fear, trust issues, or a remnant from moving every few years as a child. Maybe it’s a combination of all three. Whatever the cause, I think it’s the reason I develop very few close relationships. In fact, one of my closest friends jokes that she stalked me into being her friend. While we laugh about it, I’m pretty sure had she not taken the initiative, we wouldn’t be as close as we are.
I guess on one hand, I could say that viewing everything as temporary causes me to be grateful and not take things for granted.
On the other hand, viewing everything as temporary often causes me to live in fear….of relationships, of settling into a comfortable place, of relaxing.
I have no neat way of wrapping up my thoughts here…only the recognition that one day everything will be eternal, and temporary won’t be part of my vocabulary.
