My voice teacher called them toxins–this residue of my core beliefs. He suggested that I’m in a sort of detox state during this three-month hiatus from Bible studies and Christian books. I hadn’t fully considered the idea…allowing God to rid me of the toxins.

What’s ironic is that he doesn’t know I’ve called myself toxic for years. Toxic to myself, and to everyone I know. It’s God’s way of getting my attention, I guess–assuring me that He’s at work in what I consider to be the pit of myself.

I spent some time yesterday reading through some of my blog entries over the past couple of years. They seemed a bit naive, and fit perfectly into the religious box I’ve lived in.

Life is a journey, and over the past year and a half, my rose-colored glasses have slowly been removed along the path. I now stand at a crossroads admitting that my poorly-built religious box is nearly destroyed.

A friend asked me last night if I had been craving Bible studies or books over the past week. I was a little surprised by my answer: No. In fact, I’m a little repulsed by them. At the same time, I feel like I’m grasping for something to hang on to.

I admit I had no idea what I was asking for a year and a half ago when I asked God to give me a deeper understanding of grace. I had no idea He would eventually reach into my core and remove almost every belief I’ve ever held. I had no idea He would bring me to a point where I would be disgusted by every filter through which I knew Him. I had no idea that it would come down to Him and me….toxic me.

Only, this–He can’t be tainted by what I consider to be toxic about myself. In fact, all He sees is beauty. Maybe that’s why it has to be just Him and me…so I can learn to see through His eyes of grace…so He can show me that He is much more than I’ve naively believed Him to be.